These days are gone and we can’t keep holding on…

Weird, I got another tattoo…But since the miscarriage, my anxiety has taken over my life and I’ve had enough.  Anxiety creates symptoms, illnesses, etc in yoimage2ur mind that translate to your body AND THERE IS LITTLE YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT!  No seriously, I’ve been dealing with insane bladder issues (so not classy) since Aug 23, and now I’m at my wits end.  I have a CT scan on Thursday and a cystoscopy on Dec. 8 and hopefully we can get some answers…but then again we may not.  Which I will have to be okay with and have faith that this too shall pass and it cannot control my life.  You get one negative thought into your head and some how anxiety grabs that, puts it on the tail of a plane and flies it across your brain at any freaking timimage3e it wants.  You can’t control how your mind works, but you can do a few things to help it.  I tell myself “thoughts, just thoughts” when a negative thought comes into my head and tries to squish its way onto the sectional couch that sits in my head that already has way too many negative thoughts on it anyways, I say, “thought, you are just a thought, you don’t fit…go away.”  Another thing I do is a rubber band on my wrist, and call it what you want, but every time I catch myself with a negative thought that I didn’t let pass, I snap the band on my wrist and tell myself that ouch, that hurt, but so did that negative thought.  It hurts to have negativity in your life.  But for the grand finale of this mini post, my husband and I have both started saying “It has to stop raining sometime”.  I miscarried, pause, remember, move on.  I suffer from generalized anxiety everyday, pause, accept it, move on.  My bladder feels like its going to explode from my body, pause, there is nothing we can do about it right now, move on.  I can’t handle my life right now, pause, yes I can..I can chose what I want in my life right now because that’s what you have to do when your health is not where it is supposed to be.

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This view, isn’t half bad.

So babies.  We are not trying again for awhile.  In my words “I can’t bring a baby into a nut house”… Adam’s words “your heart is ready, your head is not”.  I cannot and will not be responsible for another human life when I am barely taking care of myself.  I have to be selfish.  Adam has a sinus infection right now and I’m doing what I can to help, but in all honesty I just want to yell at him “I CAN BARELY FIND THE AMBITION TO PUT ON MASCARA TODAY I CANNOT GET YOU MORE KLEENEXES JEEZ ADAM!”  That’s a little bit out there but you understand.  I hope.  Now my job?  I have been stressed these past few weeks and it has shown in my teaching, my interactions with my co workers, and my children…but I really do love what I do, but at times it can be too much so again, I have to pause, “these children are mine for 8 hours only, I can do this today.”

Back to the quick point of this blog, (my next make up post will be after my friend Kellie’s wedding which I am doing make up for *Giddy arms* yayy!!)  If you’ve been following my blogs you will know that 3 AM by Matchbox Twenty is my anthem.  It just helps me when I can’t think or need a cry or a smile.  This quote from the song just puts how I feel into a beautiful verse and I always belt out the last verse (horribly off key by the way).  Sometimes it does feel like the clock is stuck at the same time, everyday, rinse and repeat.  You have your days pretty planned out, you have a routine when you get home from work, and when you are washing your last dish you look up and just say “where is my life going?”

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 She believes that life is made up of all that you’re used to
And the clock on the wall has been stuck at three for days, and days
She thinks that happiness is a mat that sits on her doorway
But outside it’s stopped raining

 Happiness is a mat that sits on peoples doorway, like a facade, this says I’m happy, so I must be happy…but happiness is not just a mat that people can just walk all over.  Happiness is something that is achieved through finding out what unhappiness really is.  What good health, good friends, and good family is.

But outside, it’s stopped raining, because it can’t rain forever, and it never will.  This too shall pass.  You will learn life the hard way like always…things will fall into place and you will start to believe that only the worries of today should consume your mind because tomorrow has a enough worries of its own.

 She believes that life is made up of all that you’re used to
And the clock on the wall has been stuck at three for days, and days
She thinks that happiness is a mat that sits on her doorway
But outside it’s stopped raining

 image2

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